Today is Cycle Day 8, and typically around Day 6-8, I have my transition from Menstrual Phase into Follicular Phase. I lovingly call it my Baby Bunny Day, because usually I feel like a tender little bunny emerging from her den, curious but oh so fragile (if you'd like to know more about these cycle challenges during your Shift or Transition days, check out my blog post HERE). I notice that I’m more sensitive to words, lights, sounds, and emotions than other days. This makes sense both hormonally and energetically since estrogen is on the rise after being low for a week or so, and I just spent a week living With In. Like turning on the bright overhead lights after being the pitch black of night, it can feel a bit jarring, and you recognize just how fragile you can feel sometimes.
Today, my Baby Bunny Day looked much different than it had in the past. I woke up after a sleepover with Ace, and for those of you who co-slept with your babies, you may understand how important that is for your elementary school kids when the chance presents itself. Typically, I have a morning routine about 45 minutes before she wakes up for school that allows me to UnAsleep myself, pour some tea, and align with Source before stepping into Mom Mode. This is an absolute MUST if I am to show up as my Best Self for her in the morning.
If we have a sleepover, however, that routine gets thrown out the window and I’m waking up when she does. The lack of Alignment Time leaves the door open for Crankiness and Resentment to walk in and plop a squat on my couch. Couple that with some miscommunication with Aysen, and you have a recipe for disaster. It struck, just as she was getting on the bus… and I lost my cool. Like a lid flying off an Instapot, I yelled at her right as the bus was pulling up. It doesn’t help that Rob Zombie’s Dragula was playing on my radio at the time (oops).
As soon as she stepped out of the car, I met her gaze knowing what I had done. She had tears in her eyes and a painful look on her face as she slammed the door. Queue the immediate Mom Guilt. Not to mention Anger was still seething through my veins, a rage I hadn’t felt in a long time. I pulled back up to the house and yelled at the top of my lungs before walking back inside.
What was I so angry about? I really had no clue.
All I know is that I just sent Ace to school with a yell and a swear word, and that fucking sucked. So now I’m mad at myself for not keeping my emotions in check in addition to whatever else is boiling inside me. The morning continues to crumble around me as I realized an hour too late that I missed an appointment for my animals, leaving me scrambling to do damage control.
Finally, when I got home around 11 am… I realized what day it was in my cycle: Baby Bunny Day. But not my typical BBD… more like a trapped animal, mad, terrified, alone, and unseen Baby Bunny. Still just as innocent and tender and vulnerable, but also caged, scared out of her mind and willing to scratch anyone’s eyes out that comes anywhere near her prison.
Snowball: The Villian Turned Hero
As a mom, I’m always watching movies with my kiddo. One of our favorites is The Secret Life of Pets. We love the silly antics of Max and Duke, but my favorite character is Snowball played by Kevin Hart. Snowball is an angry little white bunny whose mission is to destroy humans along with his gang of abandoned animals called the “Flushed Pets.” Throughout the whole movie, you see the intense emotions of this fuzzy cute animal, and as you get to hear more about what he’s been through, you start to understand why he’s so angry. Through some perspective shifts from the help of Max and Duke, along with an intense life-threatening situation, Snowball goes from being a villain to a hero in the end. He finds himself in a new home with a loving little girl, and you get the sense that he now feels seen.
I realized today that Snowball and I have a LOT in common right now. Parts of me feel very abandoned and unseen by myself and others, and I’ve not been caring for myself well lately. I spent my whole Menstrual Phase working because it came 5 days early and I felt I had to get shit done (when in reality, it really wasn’t that deep). I’ve been spending less time creating and working with my cards and journal than usual, and I DEFINITELY have not been prioritizing my self-love and pleasure. I've also had some significant abandonment trauma rise up again, and I haven't exactly been giving myself space to process it.
So my Inner She is MAD, but different than the Luteal Mad that usually comes with course correction and boundaries. She feels petrified and pushed beyond her limits… and completely unprepared for the rest of the cycle. Abandoned, alone, and scared, She drops back to Survival Mode and goes into Fight/Defend territory.
What’s a Woman to do?
I stand here at a precipice, and I have some choices to make. I can tune out and numb myself with TV and potato chips… which would have been a default choice for Old Kori. I can sit and have a talk with my Inner She, find out what’s going on with Her… but honestly, I’m not even sure She’d be able to speak right now. She feels so scared and tight into a ball. Or, I can do something soothing, not demanding a response, but not ignoring or numbing out either.
Since I’ve spent the time getting to know my Inner She through my cycle, here’s what I know:
Baby Bunny Day only lasts 24 hours
My Inner She, and ALL of the rest of me, is worthy of love, compassion and understanding, no matter what
If I don’t listen now, these feelings will turn into physical problems later in my cycle… like intense cramps, low energy, delayed ovulation, depression, or anxiety
I find myself thinking about something my dear friend Jess Mckasson at Awaken the Wild says, “What feels like Love right now?” It helps me come back to myself. So I ask my Inner She.
What feels like love right now? She responds: "Some Body TLC."
So, I'll take the next hour, comfort myself like that scared bunny I feel like inside, and allow myself to be soothed, loved, and cherished.
This is the power of Cycle Awareness, Dear Friend. The version of Kori before this work would have ignored her Inner She cries, numbed herself with cigarettes, TV, and food, and that abandoned scared feeling would have stuck around. I share my words with you, not to get attention or accolades for my personal growth... but to let you know that you're not alone when you feel your Inner She cries, too. You may not even know that's what it is, but you may know that trapped, terrified, abandoned feeling.
There is a way out of that cage, Sister.
And it is through the Path of your Inner She.
Will you brave the wilds and walk with me? Walk with She? I'll hold your hand as you do, Sis.
Much love 💋
Kori Rae
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